It’s such a strange thing to be home. Or at least that’s what I think it is. I’m melding back into my home life without any problem, but it feels as if I’m just visiting.

Since I’ve been home it feels like I’ve been putting on hold who I really am… or at least I’m hiding half of myself. This doesn’t feel quite real— it doesn’t feel like this is home or this is where I belong anymore.

I became someone else at college and that’s who I am, where I am in life. When I’m home I’m the old me and all I want is to be back at school. Yet, the funny thing is that when I’m at school all I want to be is home. 

It’s not possible to be in two places at once.

When I’m away I get to live the life I made for myself. I get to be independent, I can live my routine, I have plans, I have friends, there are things I want to do and things I want to see.

And yet, when I’m away I miss out on the life I had/have when I’m home. When I’m home I play the role I was born into, I reminisce on old days with old friends, I visit my childhood like foreign places and I’m protected and cared for by my family. I am updated on the lives of the people I love and the people who’ve always made a point of staying in my life no matter how far away I might be. 

I love my family and I want to be with them, but I miss my independence quite terribly. 

The saying: “For every thing you gain you risk losing something else,” has never been more true for me.